Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The tell-tale flutter...

It feels like hundreds of little moth wings, beating rapidly, approaching the inner wall of my chest. Do you know that feeling? 

Unlike butterflies in my stomach, which I associate with the anticipation of something good, moth wings in my chest are a harbinger of anxiety. I don't suffer from chronic or sustained anxiety issues, and I've definitely never had a full-on panic attack. But sometimes life gets a little crazy, and I find myself unable to keep up as well as I'd like. That's when the moths start coming, attracted to the firelight of my growing stress.

I knew this month was going to be a little nuts. Emerging from our summer slothiness, getting back into a regular routine of school...I expect it to be stressful. This being our first high school year, I expected higher than average stress. (I have not been disappointed.) September is also a big appointment month, as we all end up due for yearly check ups, dentist appointments, etc. Running to those makes for choppy, harried days. Then there is the usual fall cleaning and organizing I like to do before the cold months hit, which, this year, coincides with my mother's impending visit in early October. (Must! Clean! Now!) 

The bottom line is that I have felt behind for weeks. I'm tempted to think, in retrospect, that maybe our spontaneous trip to Chicago was a bad idea. I might have used that time more wisely. But no...it was a good trip, and I don't think those four days would have made a huge difference in the big picture. 

What's more pertinent, I realize, is how I'm using my time now. I'm trying so very hard, to use my time wisely. For one thing, I've adjusted my sleep schedule. I'm trying to be in bed by midnight and up by 8 a.m. daily. This is no small feat, night owl that I am. But I'm doing fairly well at it and it is making a difference. (It's amazing how much longer the day feels and how much more I can get done when I'm not sleeping most of the morning away!)

Another thing is that I've reverted to making lists. I used to be a huge proponent of to-do lists, but I got away from them in recent years, taking more of a laissez-faire approach to my days. Right now, I am so not in a laissez-faire stage of life. Lists have become my friends once again. They help keep me on track.

I'm trying, too, to stay off the computer more during the day, at least when it comes to things like the Ravelry boards, reading blogs and being on Facebook with it's crack-like applications, such as -- God help me -- Farkle (if you've never played Farkle, DON'T. I'm warning you now. Just say no!). 

Unfortunately, I'm also trying to be better about how much time I spend doing things like reading for fun, photography, knitting and spinning. The thing is, these are my sanity-savers, so I can't eliminate them. So, I'm using them, instead, as rewards for good behavior. Hey, it works for kids, right? :}

There are a few other stressors going on, but I have no control over them so I'm trying to just pray about them and let them go. These things I've listed here, though, are things I can do something about -- they are in my control -- so I'm trying to, well, control them. I have faith that over the next couple of months, I will get things in hand and the moths will go away. Until then, I'll be living with the flutter.

1 comment:

pdxknitterati/MicheleLB said...

Yeah, it's September, which is always flutter month. My evenings are suddenly full of meetings and classes. And it's birthday month and anniversary month, so it's butterflies AND flutter.

I need more sleep.